Can We Get Rid of the Worst Parts of Ourselves Without Losing the Parts That Make Us Great?
"He doesn't coach, he just stands there. If you want to win a championship, you need someone tough on their guys—someone like Dan Hurley." I heard this during a layover in Philadelphia Airport, chatting with some passionate Michigan fans about their new coach Dusty May. Despite the fact that May had just led Michigan to a Big Ten Championship, they were skeptical of his calm demeanor, contrasting it with the fiery intensity of coaches like Hurley.
I chuckled to myself. To the common fan, these coaches lack passion and aren't what athletes need. And yet, I know stoic leaders like Dusty May have worked hard to be a leader that is emotionally composed and locked in on the present moment. They aren't caught up in their team’s last turnover or the referee’s missed call—they are very intentional to be who they believe their team needs them to be. Former Butler and Boston Celtics Coach Brad Stevens explained this years ago. It doesn’t make for good TV and it won’t make it in any Hollywood film. But these coaches often cultivate a culture of composure, trust, and focus that leads to better decision-making under pressure and greater long-term athlete development.
That airport conversation got me thinking about Dan Hurley. The last few years, he was hailed for his "old school" approach, seemingly proving that yelling and intensity were the keys to a National Championship. Then, this year, with a different outcome, the narrative shifted. One headline in USA Today even declared, "Dan Hurley Must Change."
To his credit, Hurley is self-aware. He acknowledges his anger issues and the cost of his intensity. After getting knocked out of the tournament by Florida this year, an outburst on his way to the locker room was caught on camera and immediately went viral. Afterward he said, "I wish I didn't do it... I'm going to attempt to take measures both internally, mentally, and externally... I wouldn't change one aspect of how I coach a game or how hard we fight. (But) I'd like to get on and off the court without incident."
This is the heart of the dilemma, isn't it? The qualities we often associate with winning can also be the very things that hold us back. Dan Wolken of USA Today posed the essential question: "Can Hurley get rid of the worst parts of himself without losing the parts that make him great?"
This might be the question every coach and leader needs to ask themselves. We often achieve success by doing things a certain way, being a certain way. We recognize these patterns, like Hurley's intensity, have contributed to our achievements. Yet, these same patterns may also have a cost—not just in media scrutiny, but in team performance, player relationships, and our own well-being. Hurley is a brilliant basketball mind, passionate and hardworking. Like all of us, he's a flawed human. And yet the biggest obstacle for Hurley and all of us is the flawed belief we are incapable of change or that if we were to change, it would cost us our success.
Thankfully, models exist to help us navigate this internal conflict. Psychologists Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey’s Immunity to Change Model directly addresses this challenge, providing a framework that I and other executive coaches use to identify the underlying assumptions that sabotage our efforts to evolve. This resistance to change often stems from what's known as an 'Immunity to Change,' a psychological concept that explains how deeply held assumptions can unconsciously sabotage our efforts to evolve, even when we consciously desire to do so.
The 2025 NCAA college basketball tournament highlighted a shift: the growing dominance of #1 seeds, suggesting a decline in Cinderella stories due to NIL and the transfer portal. While I'll mourn the loss of those underdog narratives that make March so captivating, I'm more eagerly awaiting a shift in coaching.
We see NBA coaches like Steve Kerr and Joe Mazzulla, and NFL coaches like Kevin O'Connell and Nick Sirianni, demonstrating the power of emotional control and relational coaching. Their success offers a compelling alternative to the "old school" model that equates passion with aggression and fear. These coaches prioritize building trust, empowering athletes, and fostering a culture of respect, leading not only to wins but also to healthier, more resilient individuals.
If this year signals the decline of that old model, I won't be mourning its passing. I'll celebrate it—for the sake of the athletes who deserve better role models, and for the coaches themselves. Because, from my own experience, I've learned that when we commit to change, when we work on our "worst parts," we don't lose our "best parts." They are, in fact, enhanced.
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